Everything will be okay, right? This uncontrollable crying and horrible thoughts. They'll end soon right? I am in such a downer right now, it's so hard to see the light.
My heart pounds and my eyes hurt. I just wanna give up. I feel like I'm living a simulation. I can't function during real life. What will I do this fall? I can't even think about it.
I just, I'm so confused. I don't think I can keep living. But I promised to stay alive while I talk to my therapist. I'm so damn lonely but I don't wanna see anyone anymore. But I really wanna see someone.
I had a great time with Lizzie. I hope I can see her again soon.
I just feel so stressed and overwhelmed right now. I have so much going on. Too much. Right when I think its gonna end, it just doesnt. It never ends. I'm not sure how much I can handle this anymore. My head is going to explode.
I've come back to purging again. Why do I feel the need to do so every summer? Why can't I be happy with the way I am?
Tomorrow I am taking a senior photo infront of my old elementary school with my classmates that went to CB. I cant help but feel anxious for it. I'm going to have to see people I haven't seen in a really long time. I'm going to have to talk to people who I've purposely avoided for so long. OH GOSH. I CANT DO IT. but I have to. I can't run away anymore. I can be strong. Right?
Today I got speical senior stuff from the lacrosse boosters (Mandy and my Mom). It was really thoughful, there was our senior night shirt which we never got to use, candies, sparkling cider, and a personalized yard sign.
I feel really pathetic crying, but my mind cant stop thinking about what I've missed out on. I feel like I'm living in an alternate dimension. I want to go back to my reality!! HELP ME!!
With everyone trying to go out of their way to make me feel special, why do I feel so sad and forgotten? Why am I so sad!?! I hate to make people feel like they arent doing enough because they are, I just feel like all of the traditions and things I've looked forward to for so many years were stolen from me. RIGHT as I was about to touch them, they were taken right from my finger tips. Do you know what that feels like? I've worked for so many years and this is what I get.
I feel like my feelings aren't valid based on what else is going on in the world-COVID, racism and black lives matter protests, dealth, turmoil, violence, turbulance-My issues are minuscule in comparison. Yet I just dont feel better.
Man, the world can go to hell for all I care. Its done me wrong way too many times. I'm sick of its bullshit.
I created this page to act like my journal. I have a really difficult time expressing myself, so I thought I would give this a chance.
For starters, I think it's best I explain my mental health situation. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 14 years old. Though, I know I've suffered with a few other "illnesses" since that time. These include anorexia, bulimia, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. I definately have my ups and downs, but recently, I've mainly had a really hard time with my depression and lesser yet still really prevelent anxiety.
I'll do my best to try to explain all my situations and the complexities of my life and mind. It's just really hard for me to talk about my thought, feelings, and problems. But I want to become a more open and honest person. Writing about everything is easier than speaking. I typically journal about my problems, I've already filled 2 journals and I'm about 8/10ths the way done with my third. Basically I'm just gonna treat this like an online journal. Maybe I'll even post photos from my jounal? idk.
Well thanks for reading. Lets just keep all of these entries between you and me, okay?
Please check out my SITE CREDITS!!
If you see something on my site that isnt creditied, please let me know through email or guestbook!! Thank you!